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Nonattachment | a gift of love
“May I and all sentient beings be free of the pain associated with excessive desire and attain the virtue of nonattachment.” Traleg Kyabgon, Ken Wilber
Nonattachment is regarded as a mental virtue in Buddhist mind training, it relates to our general attitude towards everything.
We take on the practice as a way to counter our tendency to hang on what we care about too tight.
Why would one willfully take on the practice? For one, it helps correct our understanding and behaviors.
Furthermore, it prevents us from falling in the pitfall of attachment which causes us much suffering.
An important undertaking
In our lifetime we will encounters countless relationships with people, things and positions, and some will be more important than others.
The same can be said about ideals, beliefs and concepts that take precedence and seem to govern our minds at intervals.
The more significant, the more reliant we are on it staying the way it is, the stronger we feel about it.
Unfortunately, that goes contrary to the nature of things, though the untrained mind will have us believe otherwise.
It is what it is
“Everything that appears to the senses and the mind, everything associated with cyclic existence and the state of peace, is not as it seems.” Geshe Sonam Rinchen, Ruth Sonam
We’re in a constant flux, both mentally and physically, yet in our minds there are exceptions to the rule.
Somehow although we know change is inevitable, we still trust and believe we can depend on the infallibility of certain things.
That’s where words like ‘forever’, ‘always’ and ‘to the end’ come up, securing objects to the imaginary walls of our mind.
Once we do, enters the ‘cling mode’, tightening its grip around the idea, and thus strengthening the belief.
Things stay things go
We may like the thought of permanence but it is based on deluded notions that do not align with the truth.
Fact is, there is no guarantee, no way of telling what we believe will stick around will.
Yet our mind clings, convincing us that the things we care about are here to stay.
To deal with a deeply embedded habit you need a strong antidote, one that will curb a mind set on clinging.
Nonattachment | A fundamental practice
“Do not become attached to appearances. Have no attachments at all.” Hsuan Hua
Since clinging does not end at ideas, but also expresses itself in unhealthy behaviours, much work awaits.
For us to move towards nonattachment, we have to fully accept and integrate the practice in every aspect.
We have to remind ourselves to systematically strip away the illusory ties our mind creates to reveal their reality.
Our persistent application of the four noble truths puts everything in the right perspective, it encourages clarity.
It takes reflection
In order to really assess what stand before us, we ought to look at it through a clear lens, in meditation.
The earlier we practice, the better chance we’ll have at cultivating and keeping a healthy relationship.
The Buddha’s teachings serve as guide, by which one investigates the permanence, variability and the dependent nature all things share.
It may be intimidating at first, but that’s the way to ensure our perception isn’t tainted by pipedreams.
Not attached but not detached
“The Buddhist notion of nonattachment relates to an engagement with experience with flexibility and without fixation on achieving specified outcomes.” Richard Whitehead et al.,
The practice of non-attachment revolves not only around relationship to people but also to things.
Ordinarily we set our eyes on a ‘prize’, our actions are motivated by the wish to attain our objective.
If our satisfaction is contingent on reaching that aim, we’ll feel restless, stressed by any setback.
Thus, the practice advises not to get attached to outcomes and focus instead on the quality of your presence.
Put your mind into it
Tying success to a goal set in stone does not allow freedom, it denies alternatives that might bring about better outcomes.
Also, inflexibility creates tension, it bears on us, we’re so busy with the finish line, we don’t pay attention.
When things go sideways stress turns to worry, our preoccupation with the target fosters fear and anxiety, we’re not here mentally.
Take a breath, your timetable and your plans might not work out, only because you’re not mindful of what’s going on.
Nonattachment | Nothing personal
“Detachment results in clarity; clarity expresses itself in love.” Thich Nhat Hanh
When it comes to how we view ourselves, it’s often subject to outside approval, we need to belong.
If you haven’t ticked the boxes yet on your ‘to be list’, you don’t fit in, you’re not up to par.
Social acceptance can become a prison when disapproval or rejection happens, you know the feeling.
Dependent on your temperament, you curl up in a ball, run defeated or rebel and act out, counterproductive reactions.
Self-cherishing
Don’t take insult, instead let go of your expectations for support and admiration, focus on bettering your appreciation.
We’re judgmental enough towards ourselves, the inner-critic can be relentless, it will dwell on our flaws ad infinitum.
We easily lose sight of our strengths and rarely think in terms of potential to be met, ‘Me” is fixed.
Our ego bruises because we’ve attached notions to who ‘Me’ should be, nonattachment recommends we let go of the labels.
Just Be
“Nonattachment is the characteristic of our essence of mind.” W.Y. Evans-Wentz et al,
Whatever we wish to attain, it cannot be at the cost of our wellbeing or our health, we need to relax.
You want to be happy, yes? Are you happy now or do you see yourself getting there in the future?
If you consider yourself happy, hold that in mind, don’t forget everything is temporary, these are good times.
On the other end, if you consider yourself on your way, take a moment to check, how are you feeling?
Allow space to become.
Pay attention to early signs of depression, take care of it, change course because you’re going about it the wrong way.
It’s ok to change course, being miserable is not the definition of happiness, lower that bar, it’s unreal.
The Buddhist way is nonviolent, the practice as a whole is about attaining liberation, not create suffering.
Nonattachment is compassionate and loving towards us, it says ‘work hard, do your very best but take care and stay open’.
Nonattachment to worldly goods
“A happy, satisfied family life comes from people’s minds, not from their material possessions.” Thubten Yeshe, Nicholas Ribush, Thubten Zopa
Much of our dissatisfaction has to do with materialistic matters, our concerns for money and possessions never ends.
Take your most cherished belongings for example, would you have a hard time parting with it?
We cling to our property just the same as we cling to people, we can be very possessive of our stuff.
It’s not our fault, our mind associates ‘having’ with security and by extension to happiness itself.
Another cause for discontent
Sadly, we’re the victims of our conditioning, what we can’t afford, the objects of our desire are poisons to our minds.
Estimating we don’t have enough or knowing we’re not in the position to acquire what we want, that’s cause for frustration.
What’s more our sense of self-worth is often tied to our wealth or the lack of, a treacherous and misguided notion.
Our upsets with valuables will keep on going until we get the futility, it’s never enough, besides in death nothing follows.
Living and dying
“Everyone knows that the time of death is uncertain but how many people live their lives in such a way that they never act or think with the assumption ‘I will not die today’?” Geshe Kelsang Gyatso
We all think in terms of longevity when none of us have ‘an in’ on their expiration date.
Yet we act as if we have all the time in the world, pushing away the dreadful day out our minds.
Thinking about it makes us uncomfortable, not knowing what comes next is frightening and depressing.
Ready or not death will come so the better we prepare for it the less painful it will be.
Nonattachment | go peacefully
Wisdom teaches that our attachment with life is the source of our suffering in old age and in death.
The idea of dying terrifies us and the closer it gets the harder it is to cope with it.
To turn things around we practice of nonattachment, we make friend with the inevitable by training mentally.
Time is fleeting, we ought to make the best of it so our parting with life comes without sorrow.
Free to come and go
“Anything you are attached to, let it go!” Dampa Sangye
This life and all its wealth are bound to change and know their end, ourselves included.
Having our head in the sand won’t change a thing nor help us cope with the grief it brings.
Thanks to the practice, it is in our power to change the way we think, say and act.
Meditating on the shortcomings of our attachments is effective and it opens the door to renunciation.
Meditations to the rescue
Fortunately, the repertoire of meditation techniques at our disposal is wide enough for us to choose from.
Like contemplating the breath in mindfulness, following it’s coming and going, reminds us that all things are temporary.
To make some distance between ourselves and objects of desire, we can meditate on their changing nature.
Facing the fear of death can be scary but with proper guidance, we can meditate on death.
Allow more space to let things be what they are, temporal, everchanging, subject to conditions, approach everything with nonattachment at heart.ॐ
Nathalie Bizawi, founder of Wisdom & Mindfulness meditation center. Senior Meditation, Mindfulness and philosophy instructor, From Wingate Academic College. M.A in Education from TAU University, Tel Aviv.
Wisdom & Mindfulness your meditation center in Tel Aviv