Wisdom & Mindfulness

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Mindful relationships for a better future

“Pay attention right now to what bothers you the most about yourself in your relationships to others and trust that simply by paying attention, little by little you will see what you need to do.” Norman Fischer

Building relationships that last is not an easy task, but that does not mean it is ‘mission impossible’.

Seeing our present venture will shapeshift in time requires that we put in the attention it deserves.

Just like upkeeping a garden, if we want to see it flourish, we need to cultivate the ground regularly. 

Yes, the weather may turn, but with the right motivation, effort, and enough attention, it will grow.

Remember this is not a onetime thing, a relationship just like a plot of garden needs groundkeepers.

The basics

Understanding our relationships are ours to cultivate is the first step in the right direction, take charge.

Knowing our efforts may not always lead to the anticipated results will help us keep a healthy outlook.

Motivated by a genuine wish to create something that will have a future guides our present attempts.

Realizing the energy, we invest may take time to show its fruit asks that we be patient and forbearing.

Attention Intentions

“Without an intimate, deep relationship with at least one person, transformation is unlikely.” Thich Nhat Hanh, Arnold Kotler, Mayumi Oda

Social creatures seek to make meaningful bonds, constructive relationships, valuable friendships, and favorable partnerships.

While it is in our nature to connect, we are not always aware of the motivation that drives our quest.

The why may seem unimportant to you, yet it often determines the ‘what’ that will come about later.

Taking time to ask what it is that we expect is key to ensure our heart and mind are in the right place.

Revisit

Most of us go about seeking associations not knowing what we’re looking for, that’s not the way to go.

Others carry dreams, fantasies that are so far off reality, there is no way they will hold the test of time.

And, there are those who keep their checklists in mind, trusting the more boxes they tick, the better.

Given our beliefs impact our choices in the present and in the unforeseen future, check what is what.

Reset

“To improve relationships we must improve our own minds first; then we begin to behave well.” Maharishi Yogi

Only if we are clear about our motivation can our actions follow suit, otherwise everything will go.

Also, thinking about why we want the connection allows us to establish more realistic expectations.

The exercise requires that we be as candid as we can, so taking our feelings aside, try to be honest.

Why is this relationship worthwhile? What are you hoping for? Security, comfort, status, recognition?

Groundwork

Asking the right questions will have us face our innermost aspirations, if we are willing to look deeply.

Revealing the true nature of our intention is like thinking about what we will be planting, it is a must.

We should not be surprised if the driving force behind our endeavor divulges more than we thought.

Go beyond the obvious, try to get to the core of your objective, even if you do not like what you find.

Special Relationships

“A special relationship is a relationship based on fear”. Marrianne Williamson

While looking for relationships, we may not be aware why we got a nice feeling here and a bad there.

So sure, our gut feeling and the butterflies are right, we take anticipation and excitement as our cues.

Seldom, do we question the feeling, nor do we really think how our mind came to label the meeting.

Still, some connections we make “Special”, worth pursuing and fighting for, even if they are far from it.

Nothing Special!

Our take is influenced by our views about ourselves; that which is attractive or repelling to us is in us.

Naturally, in our search for the perfect mate, we may be looking for the traits we think we are lacking.

Seeking to complete ourselves through union is like searching for a piece of a puzzle in the wrong box.

Thinking a “special” person has the power to bring perfection is a mistaken view in need of correction.

Know the difference

“By recognizing that each of us is in charge of our own wholeness, we pave the way for satisfying and reciprocal relationships.” Sharon Salzberg

What we make of this or that is just a concept concocted by our mind, nothing is by itself that special.

Each of us has its own puzzle box and in it all the pieces, no relationship makes you whole, but you do.

While we are focused on the desirable, we are missing the point, lovely does not make good relations. 

A good relationship is one that is both challenging and a safe place, one that helps the puzzle together.

Stay Sober

Until we lift the veil that has us follow the ‘wrong people’, our needy mind will have us tripping down.

Mesmerized by discrete traits that do not make the person, we will fall for head over heels, believe it.

Recognize the ‘what’ you find attractive, is there a sense of need rising? Try to put your finger on it.

Clarity will help us steer away from selections based on fear, guilt, inadequacy, or a need for healing.   

Free to be ourselves

“On the one hand there is the person, the worldly person, who has tried to find love without freedom and has failed.” Osho

The same way we fail to recognize we are the ones that make the labels, we miss people wear masks.

Understandably, we want to make the best possible impression, so we “put out our best foot forward”.

The key word being “impression”, meaning we want to send out the right ideas to the people around.

The problem is we often take impressions as absolute, even though there is little or no ground for it.

Mask Off

The show can last for a while but in the end, nature will come rushing, so you are better-off being you.

The less pressure to “perform”, the freer you feel, the more room you have to explore and find your crowd. 

Plus, there is no way to start, let alone keep relationships in the long term, if you are putting on an act.

For, though appearances last a little, authenticity endures and sure to bring-out the specialness in you.

All in Due Time

“There can be true alliance only between natures that are free and that recognize this freedom in each other through their life and behavior together.” THE GOSPEL OF MARY MAGDALENE

You may think, this sounds easy, but in truth we are so used to put on a face, it is a habit hard to break.

We are self-conscious creatures, which makes most of us awkward, and generally unsure of ourselves.

But by coming to accept yourself as a work of art in progress, others’ expectations will stay at the door.

Only then will you feel light enough and confident enough to take your time and mindfully make friend.  

Practice patience

Until then we should practice patience, not with the Universe that fails to deliver, but with ourselves.

Because until we have worked-out our shame and self-disdain, we are the obstacle to lasting relations.

So, if we expect to make bonds that last, we must first take a hard look at ourselves, nonjudgmentally.

Mindfulness can help us do that; accept the negative sides, without embracing them, with humility. 

Relationships | Talk About it

“Without understanding, your love is not true love.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Once we have found those with which we have a natural affinity, we must keep on working our stuff.

We are responsible for our own happiness, but that does not mean we are not accountable for others.

When we are not mindful of ourselves and others, we have very little mind space to listen, be present.

Our lapses of judgment, slip-ups, and errors, happen not because we are essentially bad, but because we do not pay attention.   

Make it or break it!

It takes two to make one work, to each a share of the workload and responsibilities, do not forget it.

Relationships are in a constant state of change and transformation, going through the motions of life.

What are we to do when our willingness and love falls short in times of crises and life altering events?

Some relationships will break apart, and others last longer, people should be free to come and go.

That goes for you too, for to be clear about what you want is as important as knowing what you don’t.

 

 

 

 

 

Nathalie Bizawi, founder of Wisdom & Mindfulness meditation center. Senior Meditation, Mindfulness and philosophy instructor, From Wingate Academic College. M.A in Education from TAU University, Tel Aviv.

Wisdom & Mindfulness your meditation center in Tel Aviv