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Gentleness as a way of being
“Kindness, gentleness, warmth and compassion are like basic vitamins for our minds.” Paul Gilbert
Gentleness is said to be a quality, one that expresses itself in kindness and in the softness of our actions.
It is about who you are in the most difficult situations, in the way you respond by yielding first.
Being gentle does not make you soft, rather it makes you more pliable to people and life’s events.
It shows that you have reached a certain level of understanding, it is the mark of a mature mind.
Thus it is usually accompanied by a sense of shared responsibility, enthusiasm and lively lightness.
But how can we bring gentleness into our lives when all around brute force seems to be the norm?
Well, it can be attained when one is willing to renounce the need to be right, to accept things as they are.
Nonetheless, when our happiness appears to be at stake we often take the opposite stance and react.
Hard as Rock
Life can harden us, trying times ask that we show strong resolve, battling our way out is definitely tough.
Every challenge comes with its own burdens, dealing with opposition and competition changes us.
Setbacks and disillusions makes us more cautious, what we perceive as threats to our way of life and ideals we resist.
As negative experiences pill-up in the course of one’s lifetime, we learn to erect defenses, we close-off.
Mask on
Emotional sensitivity is generally deemed unattractive and has become synonymous with weakness. Who wants that?
Likewise, we’ve internalized that being soft doesn’t always serve our best interest so we shy away from it.
We’d rather put on a smile than show sadness or distress, better to wear a mask in the face of offence.
This may help us look unshaken when we’re hurt but it also throws us off balance, only making things worse.
Arrogance | major block
“The basic obstacle to gentleness is arrogance.” Chogyam Trungpa, Carolyn Rose Gimian
Aside from dealing with our own embarrassment with sensitivity, cultivating a gentle side might come across another obstacle, arrogance.
Our nervous system may be easily triggered especially when we believe truth is on our side and we’ve been wronged.
We usually react to perceived injustice by digging our heels in, the stronger we feel the more we stiffen.
Similarly, holding strong views and refusing to open-up to alterative perspectives compels us to stand ground.
The more obstinate you are the less gentle you are
When irritation turns into tension, the call to defend our position takes over our peaceful nature and best intentions.
Fortunately most of us know better that to act on them, seldom do we engage in open displays of anger.
Instead we fight it off by keeping a strong front while we divorce from the emotions running through us.
This type of unhealthy response is made to be changed, opening-up may take work but it can be done.
Training in gentleness
“Great wisdom is free of all the harshness of mental afflictions, so it is gentle.” Dudjom Lingpa, B. Alan Wallace
Repressing emotions can be as destructive as acting them out, the energy remains and tends to build-up.
Also, the more negative emotions you hold-in the more defensive you become, that calls for trouble.
Given our habits, achieving a state where you no longer fall under the sway of disturbing emotions requires training.
That’s where meditation comes in, using different techniques we learn to let go and transform negativity.
The gentleness of wisdom
Meditation acts as a safe ground in which we work to generate positive mindsets, relax and open-up.
We bring kindness where judgment often stands, sensitivity where blame is a hand, gentleness where guilt is at work.
Bad mental habits may be engrained, our mind may seem stubborn, but if we apply ourselves they transform.
Little by little, our mind shifts, with it our attitude and our thoughts, emotions follow and it shows.
Gentle with others
“The one intention is to have a sense of gentleness toward others and a willingness to be helpful to others—always.” Chogyam Trungpa
Mind training aims at better living, what we practice in meditation we take with us everywhere we go.
Staying mindful of your state of mind at all time is especially important, forgetfulness is not an option.
Because, if you are unaware of the things brewing inside, you won’t be able to do something about it.
When others are involved, you want to be especially alert to the cues in your body and chatter it creates.
Gentle speech
Listening-in all the while we’re knee deep helps us take preventive measures when judgment or reproach come-up.
Knowing that words can bear their load of emotional significance, we deliberately choose to speak gently.
Gentleness speaks simply, calmly and precisely, it does not need to prove its point nor to set things right.
People respond better to tenderness and appreciation so we put these qualities in our words and tone.
Be gentle with yourself
“Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart.” Rumi
Developing your sensible side cannot be complete if you can’t relate to yourself with a degree of tenderness.
Unfortunately, most of us have been brought up in environments stiffen by self-judgment and criticism.
Thus the idea of comforting yourself in moments of distress might seem strange or even unnatural.
Breaking the mold sounds easier said than done? That’s why we need discipline if we want to get there.
Self-warmth is a must
We should be able to act with kindness and be supportive with your own predicaments, to show some self-compassion.
If that does not come naturally it’s ok, we can teach ourselves in steps and grow gentler towards ourselves.
Letting go of the inner critic asks that we curb the urge to judge ourselves and change our thinking habits.
By meditating on kindness and compassion, we inject our hearts and minds with well-deserved warmth.
The point is to become your own source of comfort, to develop sympathy for yourself, like that of a true friend.
Remember gentleness rests on simple acts of kindheartednessॐ
Nathalie Bizawi, founder of Wisdom & Mindfulness meditation center. Senior Meditation, Mindfulness and philosophy instructor, From Wingate Academic College. M.A in Education from TAU University, Tel Aviv.
Wisdom & Mindfulness your meditation center in Tel Aviv