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The need to be seen | a concern in need of attention
“Our deepest need is to be seen”. Marianne Williamson
The need to be seen is universal, it shows up on dates, at our place of work, friends and family gatherings.
We devote the better part of our time thinking about or doing what we can so that people appreciate us.
So why do we care so much? Because how people react to us and behave around us carries weight.
For the need to be seen is more than just a call for attention, it is an appeal for validation.
We rely on how we seem to others to evaluate ourselves, if they say we’re great then we’re great.
What our friends and colleagues think says something about us, at least we believe it to be so.
We don’t trust ourselves to be the better judge so we go for a seal of approval that counts for something.
Be careful what you wish for….
We’re full of doubt, hence the need for outside ‘help’, but that same dependency comes with its hazards.
We’re full of anticipation but that doesn’t mean we’re guaranteed to get what we want, and then what…
Granting so much power onto the judgment of others leaves the stage open to bitter disappointments.
What happens when others fail to provide us with that we so yearn for? We beat ourselves up, we doubt.
It may lead us to question our value as a member of the group and leave us feeling unseen and alone.
Also, it may drive us to change to fit the mold, to multiply our efforts to get the favors of other.
Our freedom and authenticity are at stake so before we run after the glitz, consider this…
The need to seen ~ two sides of the same coin
Praise and blame
“No person can be found Who has been, is, or will be Only criticized Or only praised.” Gil Fronsdal
We want to be liked, our social standing is important to us, we put our best side out hoping for the best.
We invest in our friendships, desire our friends’ esteem and expect to be rewarded for our being us.
The same can be said of our peers, when it comes to our public standing it seems we can’t get enough.
Unfortunately, not only does the need to be seen isn’t about the size of our social circle, it feeds on itself.
Our craving for the spotlight has an appetite, for most of us the more pats on the back the better.
Unfortunately, social networking only aggravates our thirst for approval and at the same time makes us vulnerable.
In a snapshot, the digital age has us hooked on the ‘thumbs up’ while adding a layer to it, virtual reality.
But what is it that we’re selling…
Smart phones serve as a looking glass, enhanced with filters, they’ve become another way of showing-up.
We pick and choose the moments of our life that are worth highlighting and keep the real in the dark.
The sunshine and smiles minutes make only parts of our lives; who cares so long as it looks like a postcard.
But if we want to be honest, the rest needs to come out as well, otherwise we’re only kidding ourselves.
What’s the point of glory if it isn’t based on the truth, so we’re appealing on ‘paper’, that’s about it.
How much of you are you willing to put aside to get someone’s vote? And if it doesn’t come what next?
Being likable isn’t a given, our ability to accept that fact is crucial, keeping the right perspective is a must.
Fame and shame
“That wish to gain the admiration of others, he said, is one of the most tenacious of all the mundane concerns.” B. Alan Wallace
Most of us aspire to be seen as successful, we dream of becoming this or that and hope to reach the top.
Our society celebrates achievements and notoriety, so it’s no wonder we want our name written in gold.
We rarely stop to ask ourselves why or whether it’s right, we just follow the path laid down for us blindly.
To be somebody may be appealing and it may well be what fuels our motivation, but it comes at a price.
What we do matters but if we attach who we are to what we do, we’re actually identifying with the job.
Sadly, we often forget that to every high there is a low, every position takes its toll, there’s no exceptions.
Our aiming for fame as its downside…
While we long for renown and nurture a vision of the future full of glitter, we unknowingly invite trouble.
The fears associated with our failure to become or worse losing our standing emerge to the surface.
What’s more the more stakes we attach to our reaching a certain position, the more susceptible we are to stress.
We may be motivated and put in the hours to achieve our goals, but it doesn’t always secure the result.
When despite our best efforts things don’t go our way, we are left feeling depleted and humiliated.
Our need to stand out and shine can turn against us that is if we lose sight of what really matters…
Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all?
Social anxiety and the need to be seen
“Desperately wanting to be admired brings us many worries and problems and they’re all created by ourselves.” Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Gordon McDougall
Our seeking a sense of value outside ourselves is fine as long as we know not to take it too personally.
Similarly, seeing feedback as input for growth instead of judgment can only lead to our betterment.
The problem is we rely on those we see as authority figures to provide us with a fair estimation.
We tend to forget that what people think of us is subjective and even more so is our interpretation of it.
Opinions are only representative of one’s point of view at certain point in time, it doesn’t have to stick.
Alas, when our fans turn critics, we’re left emotionally scarred and recurring disappointments pile-up.
That create tensions which accompanied by the fear of being ignored or overlooked can turn into anxiety.
That’s called stage fright
Being mindful of our state of mind when we enter a room can reveals how anxious we are around others.
Physical cues are very helpful at uncovering our dread; paying attention helps recognize what’s moving through us.
Feelings of discomfort and nervousness are signs that our body is reacting to what our mind has labelled as stressful.
Beware of the chatter, if our sense of identity is strongly influenced by others, our apprehensions will bring about self-doubt.
Our attempts to cover-up our awkwardness may express itself in our throat, our heart and our breath.
The further we are from our authentic self, the higher the likelihood we’ll feel uncomfortable in public.
In the long run if we feel like a fraud, the efforts we put out to cover-up our vulnerability is exhausting.
Who you are is more than what others see in you
“The heritage, the legacy, of being human is to manifest wisdom, compassion, and loving kindness, to be fully worthy of our lives, worthy of admiration and celebration.” Norman Fischer
Our pursuing approbation may still be seen as ‘normal’ to you, but if that’s all that counts it becomes problematic.
Our identity cannot be based solely on the personal views of a handful of people no matter how close.
Needing witnesses to confirm our accomplishments can turn out to be the fruit of a mind in a state of lack.
It conceals a call for love, one asking for the confirmation that we’re doing OK and that our life matters.
But chances are some will disagree with our lifestyle or life choices, and others may find us uninteresting.
That doesn’t mean we have to agree, remember so long as we’re fine then we’re fine, but in case you’re not….
Knowing who you are implies introspection, so we better start learning the art of looking-in.
Meditate ~ Own who you are
Mind training in the Buddhist tradition offers meditation techniques that open-up a window through which we can discover ourselves.
Mindfulness allows us to connect and explore the corners of our being, to become familiar with what makes me ‘Me’.
The further we are willing to go, the deeper our understanding and the more we appreciate the parts that need work.
Besides, it invite us to uncover those bits and pieces we forgot about and remember those we take for granted.
Above all, it helps bring light to the wealth that comes just from being you alive in the world, that’s big!
Finally, making peace with yourself readies you to face future moments of glam and gloom with a healthy mindset.
Better say ‘I Like Me’ from a place of confidence, use your Avatar to voice your passion, share your light. ?
Nathalie Bizawi, founder of Wisdom & Mindfulness meditation center. Senior Meditation, Mindfulness and philosophy instructor, From Wingate Academic College. M.A in Education from TAU University, Tel Aviv.
Wisdom & Mindfulness your meditation center in Tel Aviv